That seemed to be the theme of the day, both good and bad. I’ll start with the good, it’s less complicated. While driving home from work (finally just an 8-hour-shift) I received a call from Guigui, my token French friend. Guigui was one of my very best friends that, because of various circumstances, I have not talked to or seen in nearly a year. We met up at IHOP later and it was great to catch up. And I even spared him the endless French jokes that he always had to endure while in my company. Now, the bad…
While it wasn’t horrible, it did kind of fuck my day. I spoke to my ex-girlfriend today for the first time since the Tuesday before Christmas. For the one person who reads this blog that knows most of the story, I’ll save re-hashing the past. For the newbies, I’ll save the drawn out, confusing details for another post. It can be pretty much summed up like this: 3 years of on-and-off with lots of bullshit from both sides with most of the heart breaking done by her to me.
Anyway, checking the mail before work, I received a letter for her, which isn’t that unusual. She often used my address since she was in transition a lot. The last few months I just threw them away. Mostly it was junk but a couple seemed semi-important but I chucked them just on principle. I opened it today to gauge it’s importance and it was information that she may be eligible for a settlement from a class-action suit. As much as I tend to hate her sometimes, I love her kids and taking money from her is potentially taking food from them. I called her cell thinking (hoping) she wouldn’t answer but she did. I hoped that she would be a bitch but she was pleasant. Not “I miss you more than anything” pleasant but just nicely pleasant. Made plans to drop it off to her Friday and ended the call, very little chit-chat.
Since she wasn’t a total bitch, that got my Melvin Udall brain cranking with thoughts it should not be cranking. To make matters worse, I was having problems receiving text messages from a friend that had Cricket cell-phone service. I sent texts to all my friends with other services to see if it was me or Cricket with the problems. I sent one to her since she was the only one that I knew with something other than Cricket or Cingular. She sent one back and we exchanged a couple of friendly smart-ass messages.
And then it happened. I fucked up and told her I missed her. She admitted she missed me too but the damage was already done. Not two weeks ago I recounted a dream that I’d had to a friend that seemed to prove to me that I didn’t love her any longer and may have been wrong in feeling I did in the first place. But now this. My mind won’t stop playing scenarios where we either hook up, get back together, or I somehow get to show her my worthiness as a man. All that hard work I had done the last few months getting to hate her then working it to a kind of blah attitude now lays in rubble thanks to a law suit against H&R Block and a three-minute phone call. And to pour even more salt in my wounds, I found out that she has new job at a place a couple of miles from my house that I have to pass by to go to just about anywhere. So not only will I go back to hoping every text message and call I get has her name appearing on the id, I get to fight with myself to look/not look whenever I drive by her workplace. I need help of some variety, just not sure which.
